Editor’s Note: In 2012, my sister Kristy and I spent a wonderful 12 hours in San Francisco before heading down the coast (with Marea too) for a 3 day trip through Big Sur on the way to San Diego. Last year, Mandi and I (after attending Kristy and Marea’s mountain top wedding) spent three days heading up the coast through Big Sur, ending with an abbreviated 5 hours in San Francisco before rushing to catch a flight out out of SFO (and getting lost and almost dying on the freeway on the way to return the rental car). Irresponsibly, I thought the best way for Mandi to experience her first time in San Fran, would be while trying to exactly replicate the magical time I had had as my first time in San Fran. As you can imagine, this “forced fun” day did not go quite as planned, and became the butt of many jokes during the Buenos Aires portion of Kristy and Marea’s Epic South American Adventure, where Mandi and I met up with them for 10 days.
In the spirit of forced fun, this portion of “The Traveling Blues” has been created as a travel guide so that you too can recreate our EXACT TRIP the next time you venture down to the Rio de la Plata. Right down to the very specific and nuanced encounters with hospitable strangers! May the forced fun be with you.
The 2015 KMMR™ Guide to Buenos Aires
The most complete travel companion to replicating an incredible vacation
Chapter 1: Where to Stay
Sure, accommodations aren’t everything. Unless you’re staying at La Casita Perfecta del Tangelson, the unofficial name for the home of Oscar and Martha Tangelson, where the food is always ready, the spanglish is a flowing, and there’s never a line for patio seating – – downstairs in the garden, or up on the sunny rooftop deck.
Now, reservations are difficult, but not impossible, to come by. Simply engrain yourself in the Minneapolis theater scene for 10 years, meet and befriend a man named Dario Tangelson, mention to him your sister and sister-in-law’s travels and your planned trip to Argentina. Now the seed has been planted. When the time is right, graciously accept the offer he will inevitably extend out of the kindness of his Latin American heart to stay with his equally hospitable and wholly adorable parents. Voila! You’ve landed the perfect accommodations for your time in Buenos Aires.
Enjoy Martha’s tender arm embraces, insistence on your being “tranquilo” at all times, and uncanny ability to have food prepared for you no matter the hour. You’re also sure to enjoy Oscar’s commitment to making sure you’re not an idiot American who gets lost on the way to train station six blocks away.
“If you want to feel wrapped in a warm hug of hospitality and pure delight, stay at Hotel Martha y Oscar. Warning: you might explode from too much adorable kindness. Infinity out of 5 stars.”
Chapter 2: Getting Around
Buenos Aires has a robust public transit system of buses, trains, and subways, or “subtes,” that are cheap, easy, and always close by (if you delude yourself into thinking that walking 20 blocks every morning to the Subte in the name of frugality is “close by”). The subtes provide the perfect platform to take in the sights and sounds of busking musicians, try your best to ignore merchandise for sale placed directly on your lap, and to annihilate your personal bubble by snuggling in tight with a subtle car load of locals on the morning commute.
A more difficult to procure option is to use the Taxi de Cynthia Tangelson, a fleet of one car owned by Dario’s equally charitable sister. She will take time out of her busy days researching Crazy Cow Disease (Vaca Loca) to show you all of the sites, including bonus stops at cafes, sweeteries, and an onslaught of fun facts about your surroundings! Out of all of the white knuckle taxi rides you will experience during your travels (our guidebook referred to the number of auto deaths in Argentina as “shockingly high”), Taxi de Cynthia will be the most calming of the lot, with only 27 near misses, all cradled by blind trust.
“I highly recommend electing the Cynthia Tangelson Best Friend Tour of Buenos Aires. You’ll laugh, see the sites, learn the history, and get coached on the perfect Evita stance outside the Casa Rosada.” – Mandi V.
The last option for getting around is walking. This mode of transportation comes in handy when cash is at a minimum, and “just 10 more blocks” seems like a reasonable distance. Street crime like bag snatching isn’t uncommon, but locals will seem more than eager to offer their advice to secure your valuables after they’ve established your “gringo” status.
A typical interaction might look something like this:
Porteno: “Where are you from?”
Us: “Los Estados Unidos”
Porteno: (giving thumbs up) “Eh! Obama!”
Us: “Si!”
Porteno “Cool. Put away your camera. It’s going to get stolen.”
“I liked the city. I thought the part where locals repeatedly told me to put my camera away for fear of robbery or murder was a bit much. Would go again.”
Despite threats of robbery or murder, it’s best to heed well-intentioned advice and just put your stuff away, hold your bag a little closer, and appreciate the well-meaning concern of your friendly Portenos.
Chapter 3: Side Trips to Uruguay
Only a short ferry ride across the Rio de la Plata, Uruguay is a great destination for those seeking to travel a very short distance and not only be in a different country, but to actually feel like it too. Booking a trip there is easy, but be careful when you drunkenly book your return trip from Montevideo after trying to defend your Alma Mater’s mascot by chugging copious amounts of “uno mas litro de Pilsen, por favor.” You might find that your travels then include one extra bus ride back to a previously visited location than you anticipated.
WHERE TO STAY IN URUGUAY
Sur Hostel may be the cheapest option you can find online in Colonia del Sacramento, and you would be right. But you get what you pay for, and the less that is said about this misadventure of a Hostel, the better. 2am wake up calls from youth crowds outside your window, stale breakfast set to “We are the Warriors” on repeat from the ipod of the “Ladies Drink Free” late night rasta DJ, Capitane Riverside, and the haggling over appox. $10 USD because their credit card machine is down are just a few of the pleasant surprises you can expect from this “wonderful” overnight paradise.
“When riding in your first Uruguayan taxi, don’t panic at the speed, swerving, or lack of seat belts, just pretend you’re on a fun, real-life roller coaster set to Cumbia music.” – Ryan L.
Other guide books all say that the Uruguayan resort beach town of Punta del Este is the place to see world famous celebrities, but Colonia del Sacramento is home to its own unexpected lot of famous faces. Just a stray? No way! See all your favorite canine stars in this village of dreams! Take a closer look while wandering the streets of Colonia and you might see that the random dog now walking in your stead is “Comet” from Full House, “Benji”, “Lassie”, or even “Charlie” from All Dogs Go to Heaven. It’s a live walk of fame!
Oh yeah, Colonia is also ridiculously charming, rustic, and full of small businesses featuring mate cups, mate patios, and mate. Also mate. Want to drink something that tastes like a fun mix of green tea and pot? Mate is what you’re after. Take a moment to enjoy your first Mate on a beautiful cobblestone street cafe patio.
Chapter 4: Mate Mania
Yerba Mate (also known as Yerba tea by Americans) is a staple of Uruguayan, Paraguayan, Brazilian and Argentinian cultures. It is joked by some american tourists (4 of them to be precise) that all Uruguayans are born with a Mate in one hand, silver bombilla straw standing at attention from the base of the green mountain of yerba leaves, and a sturdy thermos of 190 degree water tucked safety within their elbow cavity.
“Mate is a staple of Argentinian and Uruguayan cultures. When you feel yourself wanting to buy every mate you see, embrace it. This has been dubbed “mate madness” or “a mate frenzy” and is totally normal. This state can be treated by 1) taking a breath over an espresso or 2) actually buying every mate you see.”
Chapter 5: Gear with Lear – Packing for your Trip
The most important part of any trip is being prepared with good gear. Not only does good gear solve a lot of problems you might encounter on the road, but good gear can also give you something to talk about when you see other people with cool gear. In this segment we teach you the tools of the trade in talking about your travel gear.
How much the gear cost.
A lot of people fall into the trap of discussing the price of their gear as if more gear money equals better gear performance. But in reality, it’s only proper to talk about the price of your gear if you got an awesome gear discount, free gear shipping, or there is a good story behind the acquisition of your gear (especially if it involves how this new gear replaced some old gear that had outlived its useful gear life).
Gear-shaming
Gear-upsmanship is very common, and also encouraged. For instance, “I see your gear only has X number of pockets, mine has this many pockets!” Note: do not engage in this contest unless you have at least 17 more pockets that your rival’s, er, travel companion’s gear.
Point out when it’s working
It isn’t enough to simply enjoy the usefulness of your gear. Make sure you point out every instance that your gear solves a travel problem. The more minor the inconvenience it solves, the more Lears will be proud of your gears.
Gear education
When you find a shortcoming of your gear during your travel, ensure the people around you that it was still a very good gear purchase (especially with that discount your got!) but that next time you make a gear purchase, you’ll pay a little more for the upgraded gear. It’s important to take these moments for gear outreach.
Let gear solve your paranoia
Paranoid that your bag might be stolen from behind you when sitting at a sidewalk cafe? Other guidebooks just tell you petty thievery might happen. Gear with Lear is here to surround in a sensible blanket of paranoia (also probably from REI) and assure you that petty thievery is inevitable! So, a retractable locking backpack leash, a wrist-strap camera leash, and any other leash you might deem appropriate is the perfect gear to put your mind at ease.
Chapter 6: Birthdays on Latin American Time
Have a birthday during your time in Latin America? Take it easy! Celebrating your birthday on your actual birthday can be so square! You might realize that you are continually psyched about your friend Marea being born, so you might get a little lax about the timing of actual birthday celebrating. Honestly, maybe your friend Marea just didn’t realize that you’d be traveling back to Buenos Aires from Montevideo on the day when she decided to be born. If this is the case, make sure that your friend Marea’s true birthday begins as all birthdays shouldn’t – – with a 4:45 a.m. alarm set to a Cumbia version of “Happy Birthday” played from the speaker of an iPhone. Your day should be chock-full of travel and sleep deprivation, so that it is sure to be a relaxing birthday… since everyone will mostly sleep through it. Bonus points if you end the day in the backyard of the Casa del Tangelson drinking mate and playing cards serenaded by a sweet Mbira version of Happy Birthday.
Chapter 7: A Healthy Adoration for Eva “Evita” Duarte Peron
There are many prominent figures in Argentina’s tumultuous political history, but until Andrew Lloyd Weber writes a musical about San Martin, Eva Peron remains the de facto icon. You can’t go to BA without encountering the legacy of Eva Peron. In fact, you shouldn’t. In fact, don’t.
Read: Cram as much Evita Peron into your trip as possible.
You might consider preparing for your trip to Buenos Aires by seeing a live performance of ALW’s “Evita”, watching the 1996 cinema portrayal with Madonna and Antonio Banderas in all of its weird glory, or reading Wikipedia. A word of caution that this preparation may lead to what we here at the guidebook headquarters call: a “healthy” adoration for Evita*.
*Note: In this spirit, you may want to choose a sponsor for all Evita-related things. A person you trust that can be the Juan to your Eva, to be sure you’re always on the right side of healthy/obsessed. If your sponsor tells you that you have crossed from healthy to obsessed, choose a new sponsor.
A natural course of your Evita experience might start with La Recoleta Cemetery, the final resting place of many of Argentina’s most famous figures, including Eva Peron. While a map can be purchased upon entrance to the cemetery, you might also just try your luck equipped with a will and a few fragments of the song “Don’t Cry for me Argentina”. La Recoleta Cemetery has something for everyone, even the cat-lover of your group! Numerous cats roam the premises, keeping mice at bay, a fact you might learn if you confidently join the English tour group in your midst (only to have the tour end immediately after this fact is acquired).
Guidebook Pro Tip
When touring La Recoleta cemetery, if you find yourself feeling the urge to sing “Don’t cry for me, Argentina”, you may be nearing the site of Eva Peron. But maybe not. Seriously that place is huge and you probably just zipped right by it.
La Recoleta was Evita’s last stop, but it doesn’t have to be yours. There are plenty of Eva-inspired destinations within the city including the Museo Evita in Palermo, where you will learn about Argentina’s beloved first lady and have the opportunity to purchase trinkets to represent any growing obsession you might be cultivating for her. (Be sure to check in with your sponsor before any Evita souvenirs are purchased. Again, if your sponsor disagrees with your need for Evita-related paraphernalia, sponsor reassessment is necessary).
If you follow the steps in this guidebook EXACTLY, we guarantee that you will experience the same level of fun as we did. Please follow us to continue receiving the latest editions of our travel guidebook series. Thanks and buen viaje!
The Traveling Blues 
Just perfect!
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